Cats are still liquid.
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being a parent can be really hard but one day your kid will do something simple like bring you breakfast in bed and in that moment you’ll know in your heart that you have to go and clean the kitchen
When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?
Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.
If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know
[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.
My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex
Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer
Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.
Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”
Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
[First Date]
No dessert for me, I couldn’t eat another bite.
[Second Date]
*slides whole cake down my gullet like a pelican*