My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
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Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!
Me: idiot
Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
[date]
Her: tell me something about yourself
Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man
Her: …
Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards
Wife: Who is it?
Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball
Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]
When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.
Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday
COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off
ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day
MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?
MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?
MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?
ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days
Hubs: What?! Why?
Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon
I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!
Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?
Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ
my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness.
Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.
“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early
[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*
Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.
Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
A roomba that swears every time it hits something.
Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].
Running from your problems is cardio .
sigh