My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.
I think I’m on to something here…
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instead of using the same password everywhere, i use multiple different variations of the same password where i change one letter or add one number and so on. this is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being able to get logged into by me
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.
When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.
If I were going to the Met Gala, I would do one of those costumes where it looks like someone’s carrying you.
4: The baby has a lot of skin!
Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…
4:
Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….
4:
Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade
Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
i need a six-month vacation twice a year
It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.
I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”
do horses think humans are hats
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
Me: *Sweeping*
Wife: Excuse me
Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS
Wife: …
Me: That’s from lord of
Wife: MOVE!
Me: *Moves*
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*