I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
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Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.
Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane
Airlines: $16 for bag of chips
Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75
Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for
Airlines:
Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs
if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.
Dear Evolution,
It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?
[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex
[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder
Me: oh shit
Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]
Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*
Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.
me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
Friend: Take my advice, girls love guys with pets
*later*
Me:*holding a snake to date’s face* his name -stop screaming- his name is Carl.
🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”
[watching kids make snowman]
Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?
Wife: Yes…why?
Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…
“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.
You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.