Gen Z will be like “OMG new life hack!” And then it’s a video of them adjusting the toaster dial
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Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD
next time ur embarrassed about something u did in the past just know that everyone remembers and still thinks about it too. in fact we were just talking about it the other night
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch
My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.
Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.
My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.
CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!
June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.
Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”
Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.
I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.
Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.
Me (remembering that girls like cute things): do you like peppa pig?
Date:
Me (remembering girls like tough guys): I killed her
How deep is your love?
Please show all work.
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.
good morning
The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell
Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.