Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.
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Waking kids up 1st day of school: hey sweeties time to wake up I made you a frittata, fruit salad, and freshly squeezed orange juice
Waking kids up for the second day of school: EVERYBODY UP WE’RE LATE GRAB A POP TART AND GOOOOO
Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.
Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!
I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”
I feel seen
him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
[PRESS CONFERENCE]
Me: I’m going on the record. Yes, I’d go back in time to kill a baby
Reporter: you mean Baby Hitler?
Me: sure, whoever
MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
I am all good here, 😂😉
an airline just for babies.
You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
therapist: so, what do you say when she says that
me: you sound like your mom
therapist: 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
My son talks a lot of shit about knowing how to sit and not swing in a hammock for someone who is currently sprawled out on the ground underneath a hammock
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.
I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
My smart friend just told a story about Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald and I nodded the whole time, thinking to myself “Yes, I recognize both of those names.”
“You want me to do what?!”🤣