Dear microwave companies,
Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?
Sincerely,
Everyone
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Think I pulled my liver
My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.
Called it
[about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
20’s: You can eat whatever you want.
30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.
40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.
I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.
*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*
*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
*chirp*
me*cuts wires*
*chirp*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
*chirp*
wife:We have more than one
If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
God: you’re a coyote.
Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?
God: Heavenly Way.
Coyote: what about your first pets name?
God: Sprinkles : )
Coyote: awww last four of your social?
God: 0001, why?
Coyote: no reason.
[later]
Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.
Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.
Wait.
Two. I have 2 kids.
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.