do you think when Lightning McQueen threw the Piston cup to drive The King over the finish line a Honda Civic somewhere was destroying his living room after losing $10,000 on his parlay
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It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.
i like to flex on them by shrugging
So the ex texted me
hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday
i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
Murderer: [stabs me]
Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
the real victims in all of this are those of us who like to take soup in museums to have a nice snack and now will be regarded with hostility and suspicion — or worse!
Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up
I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement
GF: I sent you a dozen roses
Me: oh
GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.
So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.
Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me
My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.