Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
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He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.
So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.
My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”
I hope this email finds you in a well
My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment
I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself
My 2yo definitely has a future in the restaurant industry, she always waits until I’ve got a mouthful of food, then asks me a question!
Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?
As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant
He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Chasing a chicken around the yard for 20 minutes is my Thursday morning or as my dog refers to it,”The greatest morning in the history of the earth.”
No sweetie, you can’t have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that’s not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?
This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.
That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.
JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.