Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:
6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out
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Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.
YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.
WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.
THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.
My 4-year-old asked what drunk means.
I said “Happy”
Now I have to go to a meeting at her preschool because she told everyone she’s drunk.
Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.
“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on
Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.
when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…
“What would Jesus do?”
Then, I remember how things turned out for him…
And, flip a coin.
I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.
When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet
[heaven’s IT department]
Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?
God: Yes, why?
Too many open windows
me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active
doctor: i don’t really need to
me: wait why
doctor:
me:
doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t
You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building
Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*
🤣🤣🤣🤣
Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*
I’m a carb girl, born and bread