Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?
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I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.
Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.
Cop: A ghost killed your family?
Guy: Yes!
Cop: Did u forward yesterday’s spooky chain email to 5 ppl?
Guy: No?
Cop: Well there you go.
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
awesome draft from months ago i just found
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
[at the club]
Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots
Her: Just take them off
Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.
HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!
Them: Are you Jewish?
Me: Yup.
Them: And you’re from Toronto?
Me: Yup.
Them: Do you know Dave Rosenberg? He lives in Toronto.
Me: Not every Jew knows each other.
Them: Okay, so you don’t know him then?
Me: I do. He happens to be my cousin.
If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places
Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?
Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney
Me: Coke please
Server: Sorry we don’t have Coke. Is vodka ok?
Me: Why yes, yes it is
Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.
Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?
How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase
Oldest kid: [Sick]
Youngest kid: [Sick]
Wife and me: [Staring each other down]
Wife: [Sneezes]
Me: Hahaha there can only be one-
Wife: [Sneezes on me]
“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.