ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.
THEM: That’s a cactus
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Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.
when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
How to start a fight with your wife:
1- Watch your wife buy a squash
2- Put it on the shelf
3- After three months ask your wife if the squash has a name
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
[at craft beer festival]
Me: Miller Lite, please
*ukulele girl stops playing*
Bartender: *blinks repetitively*
Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*
Me: Do that thing I like
Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]
THERAPIST: I want us to share our emotions with the whole group today. Who wants to go first?
ME: Me!
T: Thank you!
ME: [leaving] No problem
There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.
[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself
son: I hate my name
me: but you’re named after your grandpappy
son: I still hate it
me: now look here Grandpappy Tanaka
Birds & Planes.
Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?
Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-
6: Is that because you keep giving it away??
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian