CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
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me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”
Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”
god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again
When someone points at your black clothes and asks whose funeral it is,
having a look around the room and saying ‘Haven’t decided yet’ is typically a good response.
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
One time I drove to the gym and just sat in the car and listened to music. My gym is right next to a bakery and the smell of it lured me out and I went in and got a buttered bagel. I sat in my car eating my bagel watching people go in and out of the gym.
When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers
Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?
Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.
[At the register]
“Find everything ok?”
“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”
me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving
my kids: are ALL the presents for you
me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”
I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.
I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it
cyclists
Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!
just woke up from a terrible nightmare. was dreaming about a country called “britain” where people eat beans for breakfast and say stuff like “crumpet” and speak a barely intelligible version of english. thank god that’s not real
Are you bored? Try something new! Draw a picture! Write a story! Strip naked, paint yourself green, and hide in a zucchini patch!