[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
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I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.
Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation
Me: *floating*
I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?
EXCUSE ME?!
*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad
*snaps newspaper* that’s better
I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
😅😅😅
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
Can I get a Hallelujah?
Hallelujah!
Can I get an Amen?
Amen!
Can I get you to watch my kids for five minutes?
*crickets*
me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00
Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander
When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.
I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.
Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: But i thought we were happy
Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me
Me: You leave eclair bear out of this
lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
we’re dead?
Why can’t mirrors be nicer
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!