There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
You Might Also Like
[Freddy Krueger comes to kill me in my nightmare]
Me: OMG I can’t believe I’m actually sleeping.
Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?
@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…
I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)
I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.
Grandpa: Who’s that guy?
Me: Captain America.
Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.
Me: No, that’s Thor.
Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?
Me: Um… Yes?
Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.
How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.
me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-
british gas:
Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
My baby girl turns 2 today and I’m so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]
Dog: You gonna eat that?
[at the playground]
“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”
My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.
SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update
Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*
Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.
happy mother’s day❤️