All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?
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My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”
“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha
“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
[wife comes out wearing pretty dress]
me: that’s my favorite dress
wife: aww, how swee-
m: take it off
w: but we need to-
m: I wanna wear it
SHAKESPEARE: Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
HIM: Sure.
SHAKESPEARE: Oh, wow, didn’t… didn’t think you’d say yes. I actually don’t have anything prepared.
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE:
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE: ur both hot.
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee
BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL
if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away
i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”
I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
When they try to steal your moment.
My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze
If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.
[i see a hot girl walking her dog]
me: hi, can i ask you a question?
her: hi, uh, sure
me: i was talking to your dog
her: oh haha ok
me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.
it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing
Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.
I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
every raccoon you see is currently on parole