Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
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People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.
I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.
My southern mother forbid me to ever tell the story of when she accidentally got in bed with my boyfriend thinking it was me until she touched his hairy back so I will obviously take that to my grave
Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
I can’t wait!
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon
I never knew how long it took a human to fall asleep until I had kids. In case you’re wondering it’s 2 hours, 3 cups of water, & 18 books.
9: Whatcha watching?
Me: Tiny Houses.
9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?
Me: Two people.
9: Are they married?
Me: Not for long.
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.
Me: Do you need a sample?
Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat
Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste
everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?
Me: Absolutely not.
(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
Too bad mosquitos are not into human fat the way they are into human blood
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]
*office*
Me:…
Coworker:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:*puts headphones on*
CW: Hey just sent you an email