Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
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Cats are about as useful as a football bat.
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”
Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated
Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.
i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it
Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!
Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?
Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
Doc thinks my mysterious headaches may lessen if I eat ice cream more slowly.
Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator
I love friendship errands, where you do a little task with a friend by your side for company, like pick up your prescription or stop at the post office or transport a ring of power to Mordor
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with
Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.
Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.
I sympathize with the journalist intern assigned to uncover my scandalous past, only to stumble upon countless pictures of me indulging in gravy.