If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.
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Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
9 had to write three facts on sea animals for homework and the first fact she reported was, “Many people start fan clubs for sea otters,” so hopefully the next assignment incorporates some gentle reminders on fact-checking.
The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]
me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!
You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
One last time…
It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!
It’s that simple.
Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.
You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.
You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…
Cut off from the world.
Stephen King & Pixar present:
“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”
hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.