*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
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Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.
*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art
[Attorney’s office]
*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*Guess I just made an ash out of myself.
Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?
BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see
Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.
Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
I used to be one of these chefs who always swore and shouted until I discovered oven mitts.
#ChefDay #RubbishJokes
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.
I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework
Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur
I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.
“That’s so cool,” she lied.
Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
Me: I bought a Twix for us to share.
Wife: Thanks, but you know I don’t like Twix.
Me: *already shoving both pieces into my mouth* Oh no, I forgot.
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.
You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check