When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.
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(At concert)
EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!
Me: Not a chance
WAVE YOUR ARMS!!
Me: Ridiculous
OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!
Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?
What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
“We are Three Percenters. We are everywhere.”
If you are only 3% you cant be everywhere.
It literally says so in your name.
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?
Once my husband had me watch a video of “the most amazing guitar player ever,” and I patiently watched in silence until the video was over before disclosing that I had dated the guy. It was an awesome moment.
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
Waiter: Any questions about the menu?
Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.
Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
5: Unicorns aren’t real.
13: Where do you think glitter comes from?
10: And if unicorns didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have slime either.
Big Sisters: the original fake news source
[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.
The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah
Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’
Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
I used to teach a workshop at a prison and one time I took a Lyft to get there and the driver won’t stop talking to me about the stock market.
Then he asked “so what are you up to today?” And I said “nothing much. Just turning myself in” and the way this man went silent. 10/10
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted
AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok
[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.