Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up
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Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids
Cop: License and registration
Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec
When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.
[pretend restaurant]
4-year-old: what do you want ?
me: pizza
4: we don’t have pizza
me: what do you have?
4: nothing
me: I’ll have nothing
4: we don’t have that
me: *throws table* this is bullshit!
My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others
I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
Mom, look at my diarrhea.
— My 5yo holding up the diary I bought him at his school’s Scholastic book fair
PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face
COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect
Husband: Why are there no clean spoons in this house?
[flashback to me cooking dinner and using every spoon in the house]
Me: I have no idea.
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
friend: you should name your plants
me: why
friend: it’s just a cute thing people do
me: oh ok. *pointing to rose bush* this is Lily
friend: wait
me: *pointing to lily* this is Iris
friend: no—
me: *pointing to Iris* this is Rosemary
friend: I hate you
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?