My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips
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stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.
I don’t trust people with less than five french fries under their driver’s seat.
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
Start of the article: but what if only three people read it
End of the article: at least only three people will read it
live long and prosper!
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.
*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me:
Teen: [returns to bedroom]
Me: [starts reorganizing baking pans]
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.
Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.
Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines