I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.
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I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.
*adds humanitarian to resume
If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.
The more you know
Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?
Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.
Me: Wow! New record.
*years from now at my will reading*
Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”
My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??
Attorney: “… my meme collection.”
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
*First day as a fire investigator*
Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down
Woman: Have you ruled out arson?
Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No
“I wondered if I could use a study room that’s private and out of the line of sight where nobody can see or hear what I’m doing in there.”
“Well, since you put it that way, absolutely not.”
Doctor: well, we lost him
Widow: *sobbing*
Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there
million dollar idea: worm dehorser
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.
I brought a load of laundry into the living room to fold, and my husband said, “You do this every day. I’m onto you. You just want to take a break.” So, anyway, in lieu of flowers please make a donation to the charity of your choice.
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
I wear tap shoes to a restaurant on a first date, that way in case he tries to murder me the news outlets can say she was last heard wearing tap shoes.
This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.
My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.
Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.
Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.
I’m going to need an ambulance.
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
I am so lucky that I can’t tell the difference between a heartfelt compliment and sarcastic disdain. Life is much easier when you’re dumb
Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am
If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.