[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife
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cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
[getting a number at a bar]
girl: 1-235-813-2134
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested
Carl: “It’s chilly out.”
Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”
“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”
“Fair enough, Carl.”
My husband and I have dedicated to potty training our 3-year-old this weekend because apparently we haven’t challenged our marriage enough lately.
Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.
If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”
*picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms*
*replaces them with Flintstones vitamins*You looked a little sickly.
“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”
Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole
Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.
I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
Dracula: you will become a creature of the night. Not alive, but not dead. You will thirst for blood and haunt the land for eternity
Me: but I can play video games all the time, forever?
Dracula: in theory…yes
Me: ok let’s do this
You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
‘I know a black person’
– White people
A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.