Jack Ryan, Jack Reacher…
Maybe it’s time we gave someone named Jerry a chance to solve a murder
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Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.
If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.
“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
#math
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.
*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.
howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow
IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
my dog: LEMME OUT
me: you gonna bark?
dog: I HEAR THINGS LEMME OUT
me: what things?
dog: OMG THE WIND LEMME OUT
me: you don’t need to bark at the wind
dog: YES I DO CAN’T YOU HEAR IT BLOWING OUT THERE AND MAYBE IT WANTS TO PLAY OR BLOW THE HOUSE DOWN OR OR OMG LEMME OUUUT
To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder
at ease…shoulder.
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
Me: Let’s role play. You be a jogger out for a run, & I’ll be the body you stumble across.
Him: So you’re planning on just laying there, like always.
I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
Son: Smell me. Do you think I should shower?
Me: Yes.
Son: But you didn’t smell me.
Me: Yes.