Running your mouth is not cardio.
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For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.
My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.
People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man
wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula
*dracula turns into a bat*
*wolf man turns into a wolf*
godzilla: weird flex, but ok
*eats them both*
“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]
HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!
M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
Midwestern pride is suffering through cold morning temps in October without a coat because you don’t want to give Mother Nature the satisfaction and it will likely be summer again in the afternoon.
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.