Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
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If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
GUY: DAMMIT
Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans
[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy
judge: i meant questions about your life sentence
Grocery guy here with a reminder…
You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?
Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”
Genie:
Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.
Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”
Toddlers don’t GAF.
*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*
OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?
WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills
OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died
WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same
When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
Forgot about the 12-20 months stage of having a baby where your house is just littered with random objects they picked up, carried around, and dropped for no reason like you live inside a claw machine.
FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA
Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!
David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I have bad news
ME: can you tell me what it is
DOCTOR: no I’m still too scared
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck.
#CardPlayingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.