No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
You Might Also Like
When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”
English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
Do one person every day that scares you.
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
I’m serious
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.
The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.
Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.
We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that
You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?
Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.
[holding an acorn]
“do you still love me?”
Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”“Shaddup you!”
[God creating humans]
God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc
Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?
God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol
State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀
1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].
Wife: omg he just took his first steps!
Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.
my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
Son, I’ve made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.
How I tell my 5yo I’m off to poop