Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.
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Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant
If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.
Before we were married, my wife was like a tiger in the bedroom.
Now she’s more like a possum.
She plays dead whenever a snake approaches.
Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?
Hurricane. It’s fine.
Broken foot. Still fine.
Anemic, arthritic, slow walking dog who refuses to go in the backyard so must be walked through nature’s hissy fit. Totally fine.
Coffee maker not working. EXTREMELY NOT FINE.
It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.
[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]
Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.
English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.
Keith: That’s not true.
English Language: Don’t make it weird.
Keith: But you just..
English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol
quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric
[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
I need better friends
My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”
[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.
When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.
I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.
Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED