According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast
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5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.
When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.
And then hit her head.
I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this
[sees woman reading]
“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.
ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur
8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off
I’m papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven’t a clue.
For the pattern’s all wrong,
Or the paper’s too long,
And I’m stuck to the toilet with glue.#ToiletPaperApocalypse #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #Limerick
My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.
She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.
I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”
She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.
[interviewing Matt Damon]
Matt: Well, in this movie I play-
Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.