if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.
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I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod
Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)
My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired
My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.
The cat: Bet
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR
4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God
I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….
… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.
What I was warned about as a kid:
*Strangers in vans
*Gum taking seven years to digest
*QuicksandWhat I wasn’t warned about as a kid:
*Arguing with a computer that I’m not a robot
*Being sad when my favorite spatula breaks
*Meeting a “pickleball influencer”
I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em
Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.
Me: So you have it too?
[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”
Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
one time for the fourth of july my dad pushed a volkswagen van filled with pop rocks into a motel pool filled with rc cola & recreated the blast that killed the dinosaurs
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.