Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.
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*Packing for a trip*
Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.
The cake is mightier than the sword.
Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.
[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE
robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot
me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble
robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich
me: what do you think is in my wallet
Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.
me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome
blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?
me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.
Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.
Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.
If I were one of the sciencers, I would simply do this
I should wash my van
We could use the rain
Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication
Me: Did you cheat?
Wife: Haha yes, what about you?
Me: Haha yes the glass wasn’t really moving on the ouija board, I was pushing it. What did you do?
Wife: Had sex with Dave
Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure
Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…
Birthday at 21: Takes 12 different shots from 12 different bars.
Birthday at 37: Takes two different pain relievers because I literally hurt myself sleeping.
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
#SometimesForFun I update signs at work
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.
Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.
That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.
When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny
This ATM has just charged me £2 for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed.
Pretty ironic if you ask me.