I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
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I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.
[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this
Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!
Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any
Me: Yes! Because it’s mine
Wife: Because of the alc
Me: Because of the alcohol
Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised
[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”
This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.
*adds Doritos to wedding registry*
“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.
Staying with my parents, pt. 17:
Me: Mom, one of your wigs is set up in your bathtub in such a way that it looks like a person is sitting in there. It’s terrifying.
Mom: …
Me. …you did that on purpose, didn’t you?
Mom: It scares your dad. He’s funny when he’s scared.
Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.
*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*
Me: Do that thing I like
Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]
One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”
If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms
Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”
“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”
* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
POUTINE TIMELINE
9 PM: I could go for a poutine
9:15: This is god’s delicious gift
9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them
9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning
11 PM: I could go for a poutine
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.