The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.
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Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER
Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.
[Studying for his history test]
10: I wish I was born in the 1800s
Me: Why?
10: I’d have less history to learn
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
Me: Man T-Rexes looked so cool
Scientist: Nah actually they looked like giant idiot birds
Me: Oh bummer. They were great hunters tho
Scientist: There’s evidence they were scavengers
Me: Ok maybe just stop ruinin-
Scientist: They wore socks with sandals
[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.Lyrics to a beloved 90s hit, or parent to an over-curious toddler? The world may never know.
[a door mysteriously slams shut]
me: *spooked* what was that
the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol
me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open
So silly when you lose the cursor and also any sense of rationality so you just begin frantically shaking the mouse like a cop trying to force a suspect to reveal where they’re hiding it.
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*
Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”
Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.
That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost
when u come home smelling like another dog
The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo
Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.