If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.
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When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
Sister: What can I get your kids this year?
Me: They’ll be happy with gift cards…How about your gang?
Sister: Joey wants the Ark of the Covenant…and Sally would like anything from the lost city of Atlantis…but don’t put yourself out.
Me:
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour
* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?
Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band
Her: N*SYNC?
Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.
Me: Sometimes when I’m eating string cheese I pretend I’m a medieval torturer trying to get a confession from a prisoner.
Therapist: So, anyway, I’m going to double your meds.
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
[at funeral]
FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss
ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured
FRIEND: I meant for your wife
ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost
Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.
5yo: I want a snack.
M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.
5: I NEED CHOICES!
M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.
Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.
Me: Can…can I join, too?