Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.
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I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
Another day, another round of men asking, “Why are women attracted to this mildly unconventional looking dude?” Honey, every woman you know has a crush on the cartoon fox version of Robin Hood, and this is what baffles you?
mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
nurse: I’m pretty sure he’s dead
me: let’s find out
nurse: but he-
me: SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what are u-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
doc: i think you’re dying
me: I want a second opinion
doc: i think it’s great
“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made terrible sandwiches.
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.
I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.
Croquettes are not female crocodiles
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
This day in history. 1844. Morse sent the first telegraph message WHAT HATH GOD WROUGHT? to Alfred Vail who replied I AM NOT WEARING PANTS.
Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves
Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
I like how people say “travel safely” like I’m the one flying the plane.
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Follow-up questions!WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
OH HELL YEAH THAT’S THE STUFF
Him: [sneezes]
Germs: ATTACK!
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT
ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy
“I’m thinking about having a baby.”
“You should get a dog.”
“As a sort of test?”
“No. You should just get a dog.”