Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.
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Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
[creating flamingos]
god: here’s your legs
flamingo: can I just have 1
god: no u have to use 2
flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.
ME: my son ran away
COP: we won’t rest until we find him
ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
You up?
*holding a hose*
Husband: What are you doing?
Me: I’m spraying anyone who steps on our property.
Husband: Isn’t your family coming over?
Me: *grins* In 7 minutes.
Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?
If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.