The cool thing about fall is that you completely forget your windows are open when you start losing your shit.
Like, “Hey everyone. Please enjoy the sweet sound of dysfunction radiating from our humble abode.”
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Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”
Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.
Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.
4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away
5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*
5:10AM: *alarm goes off*
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on
My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.
If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what
spent 20 minutes training ChatGPT to write the perfect anniversary note for my wife so don’t try to tell me I’m not romantic
*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’
I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans
ME: *traps a spider under a glass*
ROOMMATE: Now what?
ME: *ear to glass* We eavesdrop on him.
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack
[On a walk with my dad aka My Parents: A Love Story]
Dad shouting into his phone:
YES I TOOK THE GARBAGE OUT COMMA OUT WALKING NOW COMMA LOVE YOU EXCLAMATION POINT
If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat
roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.