my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
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parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it
Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.
At the beach I saw someone in regular clothes, no towel, no beach gear, sleeping face down in the sand. Wasn’t sure what I was looking at. “Do I call the cops? I don’t have any bars and it’s a long walk to the car. Oh good, she rolled over.”
There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.
Except for a broken foot.
Then you should see a doctor.
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
I need an Amazddy. It’s like a sugar daddy, but they randomly pay for the stuff in your Amazon cart.
Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sockThe End
Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I’m freaking out right now tell me his exact words.
My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.
someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you go to introduce him to your friends & it turns out that he’s “afraid of bats.”
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon
Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle
My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.
Worked great!
Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.
My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.
I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing
For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.