Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
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M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.
My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
I was mildly embarrassed, that one time at the liquor store, when I sampled the aged scotch because the look on the guy’s face clearly indicated I should not have shot it back like I was at a frat party.
Scotland……because even the Romans needed to meet a group of people that made them say “Nah…just build a wall and keep an eye on em”
My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
Des Moines Police having a normal one
* flips hair, potato chip falls out *
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.
Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
is this a warning or an offer?
I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”
How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?
Me: so you know how people just throw away dog poop?
Her: I already hate where this is going
Me: I’m gonna collect it and sell it as fertilizer. I’m gonna be an—
Her: *softly* no
Me: entre-manure
Her: I’m staying with my sister
Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Just kidding. He totally threw up.
I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.