Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.
Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.
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When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)
Cop: license and registration.
Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.
Cop: where is it?
Me: I have absolutely no idea.
wife: go see if the baby sleeping
*walks into baby’s room*
baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profitme: no babe she woke af
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver
Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud
A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”
Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly
her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-
daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
[training to be a meat cutter]
butcher: you’re gonna want to take notes
me: ok [pulls out marker and giant roll of paper]
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?
Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2
let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼
[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.