I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
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Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
[1st date]
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.
*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th
Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.
Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes
Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?
My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff
Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.
[construction site]
NEW GUY: can i use your hammer
OLD TIMER: no it’s mineFOREMAN: guys remember we’re building a mcdonalds
NEW GUY: can i use your mc hammer
OLD TIMER: u can’t touch this
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village
ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down
THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap
Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated
I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
First, they came for the lettuce… and I said nothing because I don’t eat lettuce.
Then, they came for the kale… and I said nothing because I don’t eat kale.
Then they came for the fries…
and I said, OH. HELL. NO.
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
there’s probably a fee though
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.