Therapist: remember the key to a happy marriage is poise and self-sacrifice.
Me: [writes down poison self; sacrifice] that makes a lot of sense Doc.
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[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that
[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
My mom didn’t respond to the family gardening group thread when I announced my monarch caterpillars so I called the landline, and it was so worth it. She used to have an “I brake for butterflies” bumper sticker. Definitely more excited than when I told her I was getting married
me
*speed dating*
I’m a competitive eater!
Date: Are you any good?
[grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me:
“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
Applebee’s boss: You’re fired!
Me: Wha? Why? Is it because I fixed the soup of the day?
AB: No, it’s because you keep saying “Eatin’ good in the neighborhood… if you know what I mean”
M: 😏
AB: Wait, what did you do to the soup?
Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?
my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.
t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot
ME: Wow
SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion
ME: Ok
SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot
ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
I’m dying louder than usual today.
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
[talking to life insurance agent]
Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.
live long and prosper!
A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.
Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldn’t run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.