When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.
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My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased
Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead
Cult Leader: …
Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere
Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.
The holidays are always tough on me….
One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn’t up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family.
Still haunts me.
Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
12yo: imagine if cargo shorts existed as pants…
Me: they do, they’re called cargo pants
12yo: WHAT
Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.
Feels like the fourth month in January
god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys
god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.
I just heard a lady in the grocery store parking lot tell her dog in the truck she loves him & he’s beautiful & she’s going to miss him, but she’ll brb & kissed head.
& I just feel like we need more of her in this world.
I also wanna be her dog when I grow up.
*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*
[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?
Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.