[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk
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cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐
People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.
Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.
the worst thing ever is when you go to the dentist after ten years of not having insurance and the dentist is like why did you let this get this bad?? i don’t know bro why do you charge $20,000 for an x-ray
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife
My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud
*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?
me: milk for me please
date: [visibly disappointed]
me: uh make that 2 milks
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now
A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.
Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg
“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”
[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick
Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”
A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’
*A Girl Passes by..*
Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”
Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.