I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.
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Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?
Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.
F: Why not?
Me: He gets really mad.
I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
Potatoes were such a good idea
[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]
Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
I remember being a kid & excited whenever the doorbell would ring. Now when it rings, I drop to the floor & don’t move like its a bank heist
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
*performs CPR on the turkey*
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
MAGICIAN: think of a card!
ME: ok.
MAGICIAN: is… this ur card?
[holds up card that says “UGH I HATE MAGIC SHOWS THIS IS CRAP”]
ME: holy crap
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone
A guy in my writing group is working on a piece about a superhero who is also a spy who is secretly a double agent. Nobody could convince him that a protagonist with six different names will confuse the hell out of his readers.
did… did they arrest the mountain lions
I am a:
⚪️ boy
⚪️ girl
🔘 dormant ancient forest spiritseeking a:
⚪️ lover
⚪️ friend
🔘 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power
I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.