Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
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Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…
-my wife telling a story
13: Can I have the password for Amazon?
Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?
13: Yep
Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.
“Does my uniform make me look fat?”,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Insecurity guard……….
The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
Definition of awkward: USPS, UPS, and FedEx making online shopping deliveries all at the same time.. just as my husband pulls in the driveway.
H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?
Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people
Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?
Me: Perfect
Me: *in bed with dogs*
*car drives down street*
Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.
Me: “Time to go to sleep.”
My Brain: “I see you’re trying to sleep, can I offer a selection of your worst memories?”
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”
When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays
“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 😅
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”
Her:
Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”
Medic: “Step aside sir”
Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.
Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both
The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
*at a shower
Our next game is using a roll of toilet paper to dress her in a death shroud.
[friend whispers to me]
Sorry. Wedding dress.
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years