Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
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A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now
me: it’s okay in my book
5: what book? can I see the book?
me: it’s hypothetical
5: what’s hypothetical mean?
me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…
[both kids wake up sneezing]
…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.
Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?
All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
Swedish for common sense.
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
The real reason evolution started..😂
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs
“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.