Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.
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My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”
[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]
[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”
VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?
scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird
egyptian:
scribe: 2 birds total
egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out
As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
This dude messaged me to tell me to just block the dudes that annoy me so I replied “good idea” and then blocked him and he was so right it felt so great
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*
I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.
*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea
i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag
Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.
Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.
Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of
I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.
[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless
So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today